Jesus freaks piss me off. I’m an atheist, and I’m more than happy to live and let live. Leave me at peace with my beliefs and you can live freely with yours. But some of these Christians are crazy! When they find out I’m an atheist, they seem to be on a personal mission to save my soul. “How can you not believe in God? You’re going to Hell!” Why am I going to Hell? Because I think for myself and refuse to blindly accept everything that “holy” people tell me? It’s ridiculous. I try to argue with them, but it’s pointless. They don’t listen to a word I say. They just adopt their superior holier-than-thou smiles and repeat the same inane statements about Christ and hellfire. I always end up frustrated and angry. How can I convince these people that God does not exist?
Theo the Atheist
Dear Theo the Atheist,
Arguing with over-eager Christians is a supremely difficult undertaking. You can’t appeal to their reason or logic – beliefs based on faith are immune to these powers. The realm of superstition is built upon a shaky foundation of unreasonable claims and illogical conclusions. People who happily ignore fact and refuse to use common sense must be convinced through blatantly obvious, in-your-face methods. You must confront them with a fact they cannot deny.
You need to physically murder God. The only way they will ever realize and admit that God does not exist is if they witness his death. They need to see breaking news coverage on every channel of God’s agonizing death throes as you choke him out with a bungee cord around his celestial neck or stab him repeatedly in his divine torso. Only the spectacle of God’s bloated corpse rotting on the side of a lonely highway will bring to an end the Christian insistence on the existence of a mythical being.
Now, your problem is: how do you kill something that you believe not to exist? It’s a task tantamount to stabbing a vampire with a unicorn’s horn. It can’t be done. Unless you believe! You have to truly believe that God exists, if only for the purpose of murdering him. But then another problem arises. When you believe God is real, how do you go about killing an all-knowing, all-powerful, non-corporeal spiritual being? It can’t be done. Any deicidal attempt you make is destined to fail. Face it dude: you’re screwed.
So my advice to you is to stop arguing with the crazy Christians. You will never win the argument, and you’ll only frustrate yourself. Keep your atheism to yourself as much as possible, and hope that others have the common decency to do the same with their beliefs. And when you do find yourself face to face with the occasional fanatic who tells you you’re going to burn in Hell, just say, “All right, I’ll see you there,” and walk away. Just walk away.
Peace, Love, and Repelling the Zealots,