Radical new breast cancer treatment!

Dear Ely,

Last night, I was fondling my breasts while pondering the challenges of tax reform, and I discovered a lump.  A lump on my beautiful, vibrant left breast.  I started freaking out.  I mean, what if it’s cancer?  I need to get this lump checked out, but I don’t have any insurance, and I can’t afford a doctor.  What should I do?

Sincerely,

Lumpy Lucy

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Dear Lumpy Lucy,

I’m glad you haven’t seen a doctor about your breast, because doctors are not to be trusted.  They’ll run a whole slew of unnecessary tests on you until you feel more like a science experiment than a human being.  Why?  The more tests they perform, the more they can charge you.  It’s all about money!  After all the tests, they’ll definitely tell you that you have cancer, whether you do or not.  If you were healthy, you’d be able to walk out the door, and the doctors would lose a paying customer.  It’s in the doctors’ best interest for you to be sick.  How can you trust someone in a position like that?  You are wise to steer clear of doctors.

That being said, your lumpy breast does need attention.  Lucky for you, I am an expert in cancer detection.  I can give you a comprehensive examination to determine if you have cancer.  The exam is totally non-invasive and takes less than an hour – I will merely touch, rub, grope, squeeze, and taste your breasts.  (Yes, I said taste.  I have the unique ability to taste cancer.  It’s a gift!)  And the best part is, there is no charge for the exam – I work completely pro-boner.  I mean pro-bono.  I just love helping people.

If it turns out that you do have breast cancer – as most of my better-looking patients happen to have – then I can also offer you treatment.  My treatment method is nothing like the havoc-wreaking body-wrecking radiation, chemotherapy, or surgery you’ll get from a “real” doctor.  I can’t reveal all the specifics of my method because I have patents pending, but it is simple and ingenious.  I can tell you that the treatment takes place over several days and involves large doses of alcohol and Rohypnol, commonly known as the date rape drug.

Some side effects of the treatment may include intense headache, loss of memory, soreness in the genital and rectal areas, and waking up in a dirty hotel room far from home.  This is but a small price to pay to purge your body of the evilness of cancer.

Remember, cancer has been known to return even after it has been stomped into remission.  So don’t be surprised if you find another (or even the same) lump on your breast after successfully completing treatment.  If this happens, come see me again.  I will be more than happy to help!

Peace, Love, and Pristine Titties,

Ely North