Dating Advice: Lusting for a Moron

This dating advice includes my own experiences dating a deceptively stupid woman

Dating Advice for Dumb Guy at Gym

“Me lift heavy. You like muscle?”
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Dear Ely:  I need some dating advice.  There’s a hot guy at my gym who I really want to date.  He’s super cute, has a great body, and he’s nice and sweet.  The problem is he’s really dumb.  Not to be mean, but he’s like borderline retarded.  I know we’ll have no future together, and I couldn’t imagine having a serious relationship with him.  I just want a quick hot fling with this sexy hunk of meat.  But I feel like I’d be taking advantage of him, just using him for sex.  Is it wrong to date someone so stupid, for purely selfish sexual reasons?

Sincerely,

Love Me a Dummy

******

Dear Love Me a Dummy,

This kind of dating advice is easy.  There’s nothing wrong with having a short superficial physical relationship with someone attractive.  You have no reason to feel guilty.  Men do this type of thing with stupid women all the time.  Hell, I even did it myself once.

She was a bartender at the bar where I used to hang out, and boy was she dumb – the epitome of an airhead.  She would constantly mix up people’s orders and give back the wrong amount of change.  If you tried to talk to her about current events, she would just smile, giggle absently, and give you a blank glazed-over stare.  But she was really attractive, so I talked to her all the time.  Mostly we talked about things like puppies and unicorns and rainbows – these were the subjects she was comfortable discussing.  I didn’t mind.  I just wanted to get in her pants.

Eventually she let me.  Our love affair was shallow, purely physical, and incredibly satisfying.  It was destined to be short-lived, but it didn’t end in the manner I’d expected.  I figured I would bang her for a few weeks, and when I got sick of her I would dump her and start hanging out at a different bar.  This isn’t the way things worked out.

Dating Advice for Dumb Girl

“Hey sexy… Will you write my paper while I play with my hair?”
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

One night I went to her apartment for our usual midnight rendezvous, expecting some red-hot loving, but instead I found her stressed and frantic.  She had a term paper due in her Economics class the following morning, and she hadn’t started it yet.  At the time I was working as a financial advisor, so I calmed her down and with small words explained my job to her (which I had already explained to her numerous times) and offered to help her write her paper.

Naturally, I did all the work.  I pulled an all-nighter putting together her paper while she exercised, showered, gave herself a facial, and painted her nails.  By the time the new day was dawning I was done.  I thought for sure that we would have some early-morning-thanks-for-saving-the-day sex, but instead she dumped me on the spot.

I thought I had been taking advantage of her, just using her for sex.  But it turns out that she was also using me to do her schoolwork for her.  So my dating advice is to go ahead and ask out that big dumb hunk of a man.  Just don’t be surprised if you discover that he’s not as stupid as you think he is.

Peace, Love, and Dating a Dummy,

Ely North

PS. Do you have any dating advice for Love Me a Dummy? Leave a reply below!

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