Bad advice to a father who can’t believe he begot a nerd
Dear Ely: My son has disappointed me more than any son could possibly disappoint his father: he’s a nerd! I thought he would grow out of it by now, but he’s fifteen and still refuses to drop his nerdy tendencies. He should be out raisin’ hell, kickin’ ass, chasin’ tail, and breakin’ hearts, like I was at his age. Instead he’s got his nose buried in science and poetry books all the time. It makes no sense! I mean, I was always a cool dude, and my wife was always a party-girl slut. Now I don’t really understand genetics, but it seems impossible that we could produce a nerd. Where did this kid come from?
Dear Disappointed Dad,
Nerds are the worst! They think they’re so smart just because they have knowledge and understanding. Makes me sick. I agree with you: if you’re as cool as you seem to be, there’s no way this kid is yours. I can think of two possible explanations.
1. Your wife cheated on you with a nerd, and this nerd is your nerd’s true father. You did mention that your wife was a slut, which makes me think this is a likely explanation. On the other hand, we all know that nerds are not sexually attractive, which makes it seem less likely. Of course, if she was partying at the time her beer-goggles could have transformed the nerd into a sexy stud of a man. So I guess this explanation is possible.
2. The hospital accidentally switched your baby with another. The people working in maternity wards are only human, after all, and mistakes have been known to be made. A distracted nurse could have very easily put the wrong name tag on the wrong baby and sent you home with a misplaced nerd-spawn. Which means that somewhere there may be a nerdy couple at their wits’ end because their darling son has grown up to be a little hell-raiser. Which is actually kind of funny, if you think about it.
My advice is to do a paternity test (and a maternity test) to see if you and your wife are indeed the nerd’s biological parents. The results of the tests will reveal which one of the situations I described is true. And if it turns out that he is your son, buy him some porno magazines, feed him some beer, and teach him to fight. There’s still time to corrupt that little f*cker!
Peace, Love, and No More Nerds,
PS. If you have any advice for Disappointed Dad, leave a reply below!