My 8-year-old son is a dick! He never listens, he tells me he hates me, and he throws tantrums anytime he doesn’t get his way. Discipline doesn’t work. Yelling, grounding, time-outs, and loss of privileges: he just keeps acting like a turd. I’m about ready to flush him down the toilet. What can I do to get my bad kid to behave?
Dear Frustrated Fran,
When a child misbehaves, it’s the parent’s fault. He slipped out of your vagina, so he’s your responsibility. You’re supposed to teach him proper behavior and guide him towards becoming a conscientious adult. When your son acts this way, then you’re failing him. You’re an awful mom!
The discipline techniques you’ve used haven’t worked, so obviously you should try something else. Here are three hardcore parenting strategies you can implement to coerce your son to behave.
1. Hire a Derelict. Go to the slums and find a hobo with a nightmarish appearance: huge, ugly, grimy-faced, toothless, and foul-breathed. Pay him a few bucks and hide him in your house. When your son misbehaves, the derelict emerges to perform his duty: scare the kid shitless! He should lift him up, shake him violently, slap him around, bark in his face, kick him repeatedly, and threaten to kill him if he doesn’t listen to his mother. When the hobo stalks off, comfort your son and tell him he’ll be okay as long as he follows the nasty man’s instructions. This may have to be repeated several times, but soon your son will be living in fear of the derelict. I guarantee you his behavior will improve!
2. Cock Rocket. Get a supply of fireworks. Any type will do, as long as they produce sparks or loud noise. I recommend Roman Candles. When your son misbehaves, pull down his pants, tie a firecracker to his penis, and light it. Make sure the fiery part is aimed at his balls – this will maximize the effect! This may seem dangerous, but it probably won’t cause any serious physical injuries. Perhaps some superficial burns, but those can be treated with ointments. The real damage you want to inflict is psychological. Your son needs to fear the consequences of misbehaving. A few rides on the Cock Rocket will surely do the trick!
3. Closet of Deprivation. First, some preparation: completely empty a closet (including lights), paint the walls, door, and ceiling black, and place a lock outside the door. Infuse the closet with some horrible smell: maybe leave a dead fish in there for a couple days or wipe used toilet paper on the walls. This makeshift dungeon should be as dark and uncomfortable as possible. When your son misbehaves, strip him nude and lock him in the closet. (Nakedness leaves him feeling helpless and vulnerable.) Then simply ignore anything he says or does. Total isolation forces him to explore the terrifying depths of his own grotesque psyche. This psychological torture will certainly motivate your son to behave!
You can use these slightly sadistic psychological strategies to encourage your son’s cooperation and behavior. They’re definitely more effective than the lame punishments you’ve been using. And if representatives from the Department of Child Services come knocking at your door, tell them to eat a bag of dicks. The government has no right to tell you how to raise your child. Remember, he’s your responsibility – he didn’t slip out of Uncle Sam’s vagina!
Peace, Love, and Well-Behaved Children,