Dream Job: Rodeo Clown

Never try to kiss the bull, Mr. Rodeo Clown. Source

Dear Ely,

I’ve been out of work for two years.  It’s hell trying to find a job out there, especially for me.  I have no education, no talent, no real skills, and a mean-spirited unfriendly personality.  After a whole slew of interviews – which mostly ended with me calling the boss an idiot and storming out – I finally got a job offer.  I have the opportunity to become a rodeo clown.  I’m not sure if I’m going to take the job.  On the one hand, I really need to be employed.  On the other hand, I don’t think that distracting bulls is quite the right career path for me.  What should I do?

Sincerely,

Unemployed Roy

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Dear Unemployed Roy,

You’re so lucky!  Rodeo clowns have one of the most glamorous occupations on the planet!  If I’m being totally honest, rodeo clown has always been my dream job, but I’ve just been too much of a wuss to pursue it.  I’m so jealous of you.  Here are three convincing reasons why you absolutely MUST accept this job offer:

1.  Make-Up.  Being a professional rodeo clown offers one of the few socially acceptable ways for men to wear make-up.  And what man doesn’t secretly want to explore the feminine sphere by painting his ugly mug into something beautiful?  Every day as a rodeo clown you get the supreme pleasure of decorating your face.  You can make yourself look pretty, happy, sad, or silly.  So many choices!  What a great perk to any job!

2.  Danger.  As a rodeo clown, you get the privilege of sacrificing your own well-being in order to protect that epitome of frontier-spirited manliness: the bull-riding cowboy.  You get the pure adrenaline rush of putting your life in danger on a daily basis.  You get to annoy and aggravate bulls – nearly a ton of angry beast with nothing more on their tiny minds than stomping your puny little man-body into the dirt and shitting on the remains.  Rodeo clowns get gored, trampled, and kicked on a regular basis.  What a noble calling!

No love for the lonely rodeo clown. Source

3.  No Chicks.  After the rodeo is over, you don’t have to worry about fending off all the groupies who are trying to get into your over-sized clown pants.  The girls all go for the macho cowboys, those virile glory-stealing stars of the show.  They don’t want to have anything to do with the make-up wearing, goofy-looking, self-sacrificing nobodies who protect the precious cowboys.  Which is perfect!  You’ll be left in peace to remove your sweat-smeared make-up, ice down your purple bruises, and stitch up your gaping gory wounds.  Then you can put on your street clothes and go have some drinks alone at the bar, the anonymous hero.  What a great life!  Take the job!

Peace, Love, and Taking the Bull by the Horns,

Ely North

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