A satirical look at the self-righteous members of the Moral Police
Dear Ely: Two gay homosexuals recently moved in next door to me. They’re really nice guys – they baked cookies for all the neighbors, they helped me rake my leaves, and they never throw any of those outrageously flamboyant parties that their kind are known for. However, I don’t approve of their lifestyle. I find their homosexuality to be fundamentally immoral. It totally goes against nature, and it’s an abomination in the eyes of God. I don’t care how nice they are or how well they play the part of the perfect neighbors – what they do in that house is wrong, and I can’t stand by and let it happen. I’ve heard of an organization called the Moral Police. Do you know how I can join?
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Can you believe the balls on those guys, to openly live that kind of perverse lifestyle? Wait! Don’t think about their balls! It might turn you into one of them.
You are obviously an honorable member of society with a nose for what is proper and what is not. You should certainly consider joining the Moral Police. This is a loose network of people who, much like yourself, are infused with a sense of self-righteousness and truly believe that they have the authority – nay, the duty – to pass judgment on the moral shortcomings of others. They believe that everyone in the world should live according to their rules, and they are not shy about trying to reshape reality to conform to their principles. I think you would fit right in there.
Joining the Moral Police is a very informal process. In fact, most members are self-appointed. Generally, people arrive at membership through three channels:
1. Ignorance. As children, we’re all taught a moral code. However, some children (especially those with a strict religious upbringing) receive a moral code that is thousands of years old and no longer makes sense in modern society. When these people grow up they continue to blindly follow the outdated rules they were taught, without thinking for themselves and realizing that many of those rules and attitudes no longer apply in today’s world. They see many things that go against their morals, and in their ignorance they feel compelled to speak out against these “evils” of modern society.
2. Fear. The world is forever changing. Society is progressing, slowly becoming more fair and accepting of all its members. Some people fear change. They are afraid to let go of their traditional value system that promises to be swept away by the tide of progress. They cling to their traditions, cling to their values, and in their fear of losing them they condemn anyone who represents a more progressive system of beliefs.
3. Shame. Some people’s behavior contradicts their own high moral standards. So they project an outwardly pious persona in an attempt to hide their own private shameful acts. When they are constantly telling others what is right and wrong they are seen as pillars of morality, and nobody suspects how depraved and decadent their lives truly are.
It doesn’t matter what path leads you there – all that matters is that in the Moral Police you find an outlet for your high and mighty views of right and wrong. Then get out there and let your gay neighbors know that their lifestyle is evil. They’ll probably just laugh at you, but that’s fine. You’ll get the last laugh when they’re burning in Hell for their sins.
Peace, Love, and Imposing Your Morality on the World,
PS. If you have any advice for Concerned Citizen or thoughts on the Moral Police, leave a reply below!