My girlfriend spends all day on Sundays watching football. Most guys would probably love this, but I’m not really a sports fan. I’d rather spend our Sundays taking walks in the park, or antiquing, or catching the matinee showing of some fancy foreign art film. Cheering for grown men violently colliding with each other just seems barbaric. My girlfriend turns into a completely different person while she’s watching these games. She gets this intense, frenzied look in her eyes and acts overly aggressive. It’s like she becomes more animal than woman. Frankly, it scares me a little bit. What should I do?
Dear Sensitive Kevin,
You’ve got to be kidding. Do you even realize what kind of diamond in the rough you’ve got there? There are men across the country who would kill for a woman like yours. Let me do a little comparative analysis to make this easier for you to understand.
Here’s an example of a normal conversation between your average American couple on an autumn Sunday afternoon.
Woman: Are you just going to sit there and watch football all day?
Woman: Don’t you think we should spend some quality time together?
Woman: Well what am I supposed to do?
Man: You could get me another beer.
Woman: You’re an asshole.
And here’s how I envision a normal autumn Sunday afternoon conversation in your house. See if you can spot the difference.
You: Honey, can we please go out and enjoy our afternoon?
Your Girlfriend: Shut up! I’m watching the game.
You: But I’m so bored! Don’t you care about my feelings?
Your Girlfriend: My God, you’re a whiny bitch. If you’re so bored, why don’t you cook me some buffalo wings?
You: Can we cook together? Doesn’t that sound romantic?
Your Girlfriend: Christ. I need to find a real man.
She’s right! She does need a real man. No offense to you personally, but you are not the type of man that she deserves. The perfect man to make her happy would be a fat-gutted beer-guzzling sports-loving couch potato. You do not seem to fit this description. I’m sorry, but you’re just not a good match.
You are totally squandering this treasure of a girl. She could be the shining jewel in the sky of some other man’s otherwise pathetic life. Instead, she’s with you – an effeminate contradiction of a man who complains about her most appealing feature. Knowing the supreme joy that she could bring to another, it is flat out selfish of you to bogart her. Be generous! Be charitable! Spread the wealth!
What I’m trying to say is, break up with this girl immediately. Set her free so she can find a man more suited to her sporty pursuits. And have no fear for your own romantic future: you’ll have no trouble finding a woman who shares your more dainty interests. I mean, you’re basically just a woman with a penis, so it should be easy, right?
Peace, Love, and Fun on Sunday,