I’m bored! How can I get fired?
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Dear Ely,
My job is so boring, every day is like a mini coma. I try to find little ways to make things more exciting, but I always end up daydreaming about unusual ways to kill myself. This job is turning me suicidal. I want to quit and find something else to do with my life. But now I’m thinking – maybe I should get myself fired instead. I’ve never been fired before, and I want to see how it feels. It might make things a little more interesting around here, too. Do you have any fun suggestions for how I can get myself shit-canned?
Sincerely,
Get Me Gone
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Dear Get Me Gone,
You have come to the right place, my friend. I too have had some suicide-inducing jobs, and I have spent countless hours dreaming of inappropriate workplace activities that would get me fired. I’m happy to share some of them with a fellow tortured soul.
Mystery Shits
Leave little “gifts” throughout the office in the form of solitary turds. Drop them in unexpected places where they will surprise, disgust, and infuriate your co-workers: in the drawer of an annoying colleague’s desk; in the sink of the women’s room; on the door mat outside the front of the building; and under the hood of the copier. Be creative with the placement of your turds. Spread out your shitty attacks over a number of days or weeks – don’t do it all on one day. Also, be careful you don’t get caught, as this would compromise the final act of your employment. After you’ve had your fun and you’re ready to be fired, it’s time to leave one last poop. When it’s empty, go into your boss’s office and squat atop his desk. Your timing has to be impeccable – you need to be squeezing out the turd just as your boss enters his office. He should fire you on the spot.
Sexual Harassment
Sexual Harassment is a great way to get fired – and to possibly get laid!
via Wikimedia Commons
Pick a sexy colleague, one that you’ve been lusting after for months. Start making rude, crude, explicitly sexual comments to that person. Be as graphic and disgusting as you dare. You want to make this person so uncomfortable that he (or she) will report your nasty advances to the boss, and you’ll be fired for breaking the company’s policies. This strategy also has a rather favorable alternate outcome. The sexy colleague you target may welcome your advances. Score! If that’s the case, sex up your co-worker and then pick someone else to harass. Keep going until you get yourself fired.
Streaking Freak
This strategy is incredibly easy to implement and will have immediate results. When the day comes that you just can’t take it any longer, strip off all your clothes and run naked through the office. Skip and leap, frolic around, laugh and giggle, squeal in delight: make sure you draw everyone’s attention to your happy lack of clothing-based morality. When your boss catches wind of your shenanigans, he’ll call you into his office to fire your naked ass.
Any of these methods is sure to get you fired. Choose whichever suits you best and run with it. Enjoy the excitement of breaking the rules and being told you’re no longer wanted. I hope you can find a life-affirming job that fails to invoke your latent suicidal tendencies.
Peace, Love, and Self-Inflicted Dismissal,
Ely North
