Remove a curse by cursing the person who cursed you first
Dear Ely: My ex-wife has put a curse on me, and it’s totally effing up my life. Ours is a classic romantic story: boy meets girl; boy seduces girl; girl falls in love with boy like they’re living in some fairy tale; boy marries girl because she has money and the sex is great; boy and girl live together happily for a few years; girl gets old; girl gets fat; boy finds a younger girl to have sex with; girl finds out; girl demands divorce; boy agrees; girl is bitter; girl pays witch doctor to put hex on boy. When she told me she was going to put a curse on me, I was all like “Whatever bitch” because what kind of idiot believes in that voodoo mumbo-jumbo nonsense? Well, my ex-wife does, and now I’m starting to. Because ever since then, my life has taken a turn for the worse. I lost my job, my car caught on fire, my apartment was broken into, all my shoes and spoons were stolen, and some slut gave me dyslexia. Ym xe sure got her revenge – my life is in ruins. How can I remove this curse and get my life back to its former levels of sweetness?
Dear Cursed Chris,
Most people will naively tell you that there’s no such thing as a curse, that you’re just having a string of “bad luck” and it’s only a “coincidence” that your wife happened to visit a witch doctor right before the bad luck started. These people are deceived by the power of Reason, immediately dismissing as unreal anything that can’t be explained rationally. Since Science has no reasonable explanation for “curses” they can’t really exist. These poor morons have forgotten that the world is full of unexplained wonders, magical moments, and deep mysteries that our measly human minds can’t comprehend. But you and I know better. We know from first-hand experience that curses are REAL!
That’s right, I’ve experienced curses too – but on the giving end, not the receiving end. I once cursed a goose for pooping on my lawn and moments later watched it perish in an explosion of feathers as my speeding jeep wiped it off the face of the earth. I once cursed a picnic table for giving me a splinter and moments later watched it get reduced to kindling as my medieval broad axe chopped it to pieces. I once cursed my roof for leaking and moments later watched my entire house burn down in a raging inferno that the insurance company still can’t prove I started.
The point of these examples is two-fold: proof that curses are real; and proof that I have the power to disperse curses. Now, since I hate to see you suffer, I’m willing to offer my services to you. For a fairly expensive fee I will curse your wife and her witch doctor and force them to withdraw that hex they put on you. Hit me up in an e-mail and we’ll iron out the details. Cash only – no personal checks or credit cards.
Peace, Love, and The Power of Curses,
PS. Do you believe in curses? Do you have any advice for Cursed Chris? Leave a reply below!