How to vanquish your mother in law and win your husband’s servitude
Dear Ely: My conniving cuntish mother in law is ruining my marriage. It feels like there’s an unspoken competition between us, like she’s trying to push me aside and prove that she’s the only woman in her son’s life. And because my husband is so spineless she’s easily winning. He’ll do anything she asks, anything to please her; she seems to have complete control over him. For example: last week we had a romantic night planned for our anniversary. Just as we were leaving my mother in law called and asked my husband to come over to help her open a jar of pickles. And he did it! He left me alone on our anniversary so he could go open her pickles, change her light bulbs, and dust her knick-knacks. She knew it was our anniversary, but she kept him at her house all night doing a bunch of simple chores that we all know perfectly well she can do for herself. What should I do? Should I fight for my husband’s affection and loyalty, or cut him loose and let him be a pathetic mama’s boy?
Hate His Mom
Dear Hate His Mom,
The best way to deal with a bad situation is to find a way to use it to your advantage. This all depends on your perspective. Don’t view your mother in law as a rival; instead, look to her as a mentor.
She has your husband wrapped around her finger. Whatever she asks, he does. He lives to serve her in any way he can. Wouldn’t you like to have that kind of power over your husband? Of course you would! So befriend your mother in law and learn how she does it. Learn her secrets of love, guilt, fear, and manipulation, and figure out how to apply them in your own relationship with your husband.
Once you absorb all her wicked knowledge, you’ll have to kill her so that you can take the reign as the undisputed master of your husband’s fate. The assassination should be accomplished discreetly: make it look like an accident. Your recent friendship with her and your warm mentor-mentee relationship should put you above all suspicion.
After the queen bitch is under the dirt your husband will be absolutely shattered. He’ll be a blubbering mess of a man, lost without his mommy to tell him what to do. Helping him put the pieces of his life back together is the perfect opportunity to sink your claws into him and take control. You’ll now have a docile little husband-slave eager to do your bidding for the rest of your lives. Congratulations on achieving the perfect marriage!
Peace, Love, and Winning the Mother in Law Rivalry,
PS. If you have any advice for Hate His Mom, or reaction to my advice, leave a reply below!