I REALLY like my boyfriend. OMG! He’s SO cute and super-cool and just about the greatest guy in the whole town. This is by far the best and the most important relationship of my whole life! We’ve been dating for almost four months (like forever!), and I think it’s time to take our relationship to the next level. Make a stronger commitment to each other. You know what I mean?
But there are a couple problems. What if I make this commitment and it turns out that he’s not the one? That would just destroy my life. Also, I’m not sure if he’s ready for the commitment. I don’t want to pressure him and scare him away. If that happened I’d probably kill myself. How can I figure out where my relationship is going? Please help, this is a matter of life or death!
Dear Young Love,
You sound confused, and possibly stupid. The words you choose to use – “commitment,” “next level,” “the one” – are simply gibberish. It’s just meaningless drivel created by cheesy Hollywood romances and predatory teen magazines to fill young women’s heads with romantic fantasies and (unfortunately) to torture young men.
Let’s get real.
There’s a very simple, very mature way to solve all your problems. You can determine if you and your boyfriend are well matched, and if the two of you are ready for a more serious relationship. I call it The Fart Test.
It’s incredibly easy. Even an idiot like you can do it. All you have to do is fart in your boyfriend’s presence. It should be loud – a silent fart won’t have the same effect and is useless here. Practice farting on your own until you’re able to rip one off at will. If you’re not naturally flatulent, perhaps dinner at a Mexican restaurant will prime your bowels to perform.
So just fart, then sit back and observe the aftermath. If you’re both comfortable after you blow your butt-trumpet, and you can joke about it, then you’re golden. Settle in for the long haul, because you and your boyfriend are perfect for each other.
If your righteous ass-blast produces an uncomfortable mood or an awkward silence, if you feel embarrassed or if your boyfriend is disgusted or offended or pissed off, then it’s just not meant to be. I’m sorry. Break up on the spot and move on with your life.
If The Fart Test does lead to the end of your relationship, don’t worry. There are plenty of turds in the sewer, as the saying goes. Some lucky guy out there will be delighted when he hears you fart. That’s when you know you’ve found “the one.” I feel sorry for him already.
Peace, Love, and A Boyfriend Who Loves Your Farts,