My bitch-ass husband won’t bang me anymore. When we were newlyweds our sex life was amazing. We did some wild stuff. But now, just six years into marriage, he’s lost all interest in my vagina. He hasn’t touched it in months. It’s not because of my body – I’m still hot as hell. And I know he’s not cheating. He’s not smart enough to hide something like that from me. He just seems to have lost all desire for sex. How can I revive our sex life?
Dear Sexless Alexis,
The reason for your problem is so obvious that I’m surprised you haven’t realized it yourself. Frankly, I’m a little embarrassed for you. But that’s why I’m here: to give advice to stupid people who should be able to solve their own problems.
After plowing the same field for years, your husband is simply bored. It’s a common occurrence for couples involved in lengthy relationships. Fortunately, there are many things you can do to enliven your sex life and reignite your husband’s passions. Three such strategies follow:
1. Disguise and Surprise – Basically, just change your appearance and approach him in an unexpected way. Be creative! Put on clown make-up and a multicolored wig, then get naked and pounce on him while he’s napping on the couch. Or wait to ambush him in the shower while wearing a rubber Richard Nixon mask, with the words “Tricky Dick” scrawled across your belly in red lipstick. Your goal is to make him wonder what kind of crazy bitch he married – because (let’s face it) crazy is sexy.
2. Role Reversal – If he won’t screw you, then screw him! Get a medium-girth strap-on dildo and hide it under your bed. After he falls asleep, strap it on and ram it up his ass. (If you truly love him, you may want to lube it up first – just to be nice.) While you’re busting his butt-cherry, creepily whisper in his ear that you love him and you wouldn’t have to do this if he would just nail you on occasion. Remember: it’s technically not rape if you tell him you love him while you’re violating him. Seriously – check the legal statutes.
3. The Jealous Caveman – Next Friday night, insist that your husband take you to a bar. Dressed in your sluttiest outfit, wander away from your husband to flirt with other men. Laugh with them, let them buy you drinks, rub up against them, dance with them, etc. Do whatever it takes to make your husband jealous. Ideally, you want these flirtations to produce fisticuffs – when fists fly, your husband’s passions are burning! With this in mind, flirt with men who are smaller and weaker than your husband. You don’t really want him to get his ass kicked. After your husband floors the poor bastard, flee before the police arrive, go back home and have some great “mighty caveman” sex.
These are just a few of the many techniques you can use to stimulate your dormant sex life. You can also invent your own methods – be imaginative! The more unpredictable and weird you are, the better sex you’ll have as the years go by.
Peace, Love, and Hot Married Sex,