Before I begin, let it be known that I am in no way a bigot. I treat all people with decency and respect, regardless of their race, color, creed, religion, sexual orientation, or whatever. I do not discriminate against anyone.
That being said, there is one group of people that I HATE. And they are now renting the house next door to me!
Why do I hate these people? Five reasons: 1) They’re lazy; 2) They stink; 3) They’re drug addicts; 4) They speak in indecipherable slang; 5) They blast obnoxious music.
Since these people moved in, my quality of life has greatly diminished, and I no longer feel safe letting my kids go outside to play. What can I do to get rid of these dirty hippies before they totally ruin my neighborhood?
Dear Hippie Hater,
Good thing you came to me for help. Most advice columnists would tell you to love thy neighbors, embrace your differences and find commonalities, or follow the hippie example of living in peace and harmony with all people. You and I both know perfectly well that that type of approach will never work. We’re dealing with hippies here!
Hippies are a strange, fundamentally different race of people. I can only imagine being their neighbor. Seeing their bare hairy bodies; smelling their patchouli-perfumed funk; listening to them prattle on about veganism; and constantly declining free copies of the Bhagavad-Gita that they so urgently want you to read. What a nightmare!
The only thing harder than living with hippies is getting rid of them. You could make them feel unwelcome with social exclusion, such as not inviting them to a block party. However, hippies are usually so absorbed in their own world – in their acid-fueled waking dream fairy-tale version of reality – that they probably wouldn’t even realize they’re being shunned.
Even if they do realize they’re unwanted, these hippies wouldn’t move. Why not? Because they’re so lazy! Moving is hard work. They won’t put forth the effort to move unless they absolutely have to, unless they have no other choice available.
Seen in this light, the solution to your problem is incredibly simple.
Arson. Burn down their home. Douse the house with an accelerant (like gasoline). Don’t worry; they won’t notice the smell of gas over their own wretched stench. Then stand back and toss a match. Watch as the hippies dazedly scurry outside, then brazenly dash back in to rescue their prize possession: a six-foot glass bong named “Doctor Me”. But the combination of all that bong water and all those hippie tears will not be enough to squelch the flames.
Now that the house is gone, the hippies have no place to live. They have no choice; they have to move away, right?
Wrong! Remember, hippies don’t think like you and me. If your house burned to the ground, you would go find another house to live in. When their house burns down, they’ll just pitch a tent in the yard and sit around the smoldering ruins playing campfire songs and roasting tofu dogs.
When this happens, your next step is clear. Arson.
Burn down their tent. If they put up another tent, burn that one down too. Continue with this scorched earth policy until there is not an inch of unburnt ground where the hippies can lay their dirty heads.
Eventually, they’ll pack up their few remaining charred possessions and wander off to ruin someone else’s neighborhood. Enjoy your hippie-free life!
Peace, Love, and Down With Hippies,