Neighborly Love and Gun Control

My advice to an angry man who wants to dodge gun control laws is to think like a criminal

Peeping Neighbor Likes Gun Control

This neighbor is practically begging for you to pick up a gun and shoot him. Source

Dear Ely:  I literally want to kill my neighbor.  His tree is hanging over the fence and encroaching in my yard; his dog constantly barks at me; and I’ve caught him peeping in our windows several times.  We had a huge argument outside yesterday, and I decided to kill him.  I don’t have a gun, so I went to a sporting goods store to buy one.  They told me I have to wait two weeks while they do a background check.  That’s ridiculous!  I’m a law-abiding citizen with a Second Amendment right to bear arms – I shouldn’t have to wait to buy a gun.  What if two weeks pass and I’m not so mad anymore, or I change my mind?  My neighbor deserves to die, and I don’t want to lose my nerve and miss my chance to shoot him.  How can I skirt the gun control law and get a gun without waiting two weeks?


Gunnar McShootem


Dear Gunnar McShootem,

Going to a retail outlet to buy a gun to shoot your neighbor is a real stupid thing to do.  I strongly advise you against it.  You’ll almost definitely get caught!  Police will investigate the murder, hear about your argument, discover that you just bought a gun, perform ballistics tests to match the bullet to your gun, and your ass’ll be fried!

If you want a gun to commit a criminal act, then you need to think like a criminal when it comes to procuring the gun.  Do you really think career criminals get their guns through legal channels?  Do you think they abide by gun control laws?  Of course not!  They don’t buy a gun from a legitimate firearms dealer – they either steal it or buy it illegally on the black market.

Gun Control

“Go ahead, make my day. I already made yours by taking off my shirt.” Source

Which begs the question: why do we even have gun control laws requiring background checks and waiting periods?  They may prevent outlaws from obtaining a gun quickly and easily, but they won’t ultimately keep a gun out of their dirty hands.  So what’s the point?  Sometimes I think our lawmakers lack common sense, or they don’t live in the same world we do.  They pass laws like this to stroke their egos, believing (and making us believe) that they’ve made the world safer.  In reality, they’ve only made it more difficult for upright citizens to get guns to protect themselves from all the criminals with illegally acquired weapons.

But back to the point: steal a gun or buy one on the black market.  My suggestion is that you steal one.  If you buy a gun on the black market, police detectives (if they’re competent) may be able to trace the gun to whoever sold it to you, which will lead them to you.  So steal a gun.  Best-case scenario: if your neighbor has a gun, steal it from him.  Then shoot him with his own gun.  That’s messed up.  But that’s what he gets for having the nerve to live next door to you.

Peace, Love, and Dodging Gun Control,

Ely North

PS. If you have any advice for Gunnar McShootem or any thought on gun control laws, leave a reply below!

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3 thoughts on “Neighborly Love and Gun Control

  1. I found this post to be hilarious. The sarcasm is excellent “But that’s what he gets for having the nerve to live next door to you”. haha. Love it

  2. A sincerely fabulous post. And I could not have stated your point any better. Ban or restrict guns??? All you do is give the advantage to the bad guys. I really like your wit, and the Q and A style posting. I’ll be back…

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