I try to convince a man filled with latent homosexuality for his friend that he is gay
Dear Ely: My friend Owen is a mooch. He’s always asking me for a few dollars for something – cigarettes, gas, cheeseburgers – and he never pays me back. He’ll borrow money every day for a few days straight, promising that he’ll repay me when he gets paid next week. But then when payday rolls around, he disappears. I won’t see him or hear from him for a few weeks. Then he’ll suddenly just show up again as if nothing happened, as if his brief absence has wiped away all memory of the debt. And before long he’ll ask again to borrow money, and the whole cycle will repeat. It’s so gay.
I can’t afford to keep giving away my money. I know that I should just tell him he can’t borrow any more, but I can’t say no to him. He has this way of sweet-talking me to get me to do whatever he wants. Also, he’s a really great guy, so I don’t want to be a dick about the money. I’m afraid that if I’m too much of a hard-on about him paying me back, he won’t want to be my friend anymore. He’s the only friend I have, and I’m afraid to lose him. What can I do to set this situation right, without playing the uptight asshole?
Tony Lonely Loaner
Dear Tony Lonely Loaner,
Wow. I don’t know if you even realize it, but you are totally gay for your friend Owen. Your letter is blatantly filled with latent homosexuality. Just look at some of the words you use to describe your friend: “It’s so gay;” “I can’t say no to him;” “this way of sweet-talking me;” “I’m afraid to lose him;” “dick;” “hard-on;” “playing the … tight asshole.” Totally gay.
Before you get offended, let me add that I’m not saying this to ridicule or bash you. My intent is to help you. Being gay is a wonderful way to be, if that’s who you truly are. Your problem (or at least one of your problems) seems to be that you don’t even know yourself.
It’s time to be honest with yourself. Take some time for reflection, dig down deep and try to uncover your true feelings for your friend. If, after this period of reflection, you realize that you are in fact a homosexual, the next step would be to tell Owen about it. After all, if he’s the love of your life, he ought to know. He may accept or reject you, but at least you won’t be living a cruel charade anymore.
On the other hand, if you deny your homosexual tendencies and stubbornly insist that you’re straight, I have some advice on how to solve your financial problem. Start counterfeiting money. Then when Owen comes begging, you can freely lend him as much as he wants, without having to empty your own pockets. Of course, since you’ve never counterfeited before, you probably won’t be good at it. Which means that eventually Owen will be imprisoned for passing fake currency. But don’t worry! When separation from your dearest friend causes endless heartache to descend, mend it with a tender visit to prison. Better yet, make it a conjugal visit, because you’re utterly gay.
Peace, Love, and Accepting the Gayness Within,
PS. If you have any gay advice for Tony Lonely Loaner, leave a reply below!