An idiot’s quest to save the environment

Dear Ely,

Earth is screwed!  Humanity is destroying the environment and killing the planet.  I love the world, so I feel bound to strive to save it.  I’ve heard a lot of buzz about reducing carbon footprints, so I’ve decided to completely eliminate my carbon footprint.  My lifestyle will be 100% environmentally friendly.  But will one responsibly living individual be enough to save the world?  No!  Someone must spur every single person on Earth to live in an environmentally conscious manner.  I’m that agent of change.  How can I persuade humanity to renounce our reckless ways?  Help me save the world!

Love,

Xavier the Savior

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Dear Xavier the Savior,

I can’t decide if you’re a passionate idealist or an idiot.  Maybe both?  Regardless, my policy is to help anyone who asks, so I do have some advice for you.  However, it’s a bit extreme.  If you’re totally dedicated to your cause and willing to act radically, please read on.

To inspire people, you must lead by example.  Erasing your carbon footprint is a good start.  In modern life, nearly everything – your house, appliances, food, the products you buy – causes pollution at some point in its production, delivery, or use.  Sever yourself from this life, violently.  If you allow these products to continue to exist, they’ll continue to pollute.  Therefore, you must destroy all your possessions.  Go friggin’ berserker on everything.  Don’t stop the destructive frenzy until your house (and everything in it) is nothing but useless mangled wreckage.

Once your life is environmentally exemplary, become an activist.  You can’t do this alone.  Find some like-minded delusional world-savers; convince them to follow your austere lifestyle.  If you have trouble persuading people to destroy their possessions and go homeless, just brainwash or drug them.

Once you’ve acquired disciples, spread your message.  Protest outside factories, car dealerships, fast food joints, etc.  Be bizarre so people pay attention.  Wear animal costumes and pantomime sexual acts on each other.  Frolic around nude slapping each other with linked sausages.  Hold a primitive religious ceremony that culminates with a devotee being sacrificed.  Whatever you do, make it memorable.

Unfortunately, many will dismiss your activism as the antics of self-righteous pricks and will fail to understand your noble motives.  When you realize that your movement is failing, you’ll become frustrated.  To reach the global audience you desire, take your activism to a more radical level: eco-terrorism!

If people won’t respect the environment voluntarily, force them to.  Think big.  Take out power grids; blow up car factories and airports; set fire to oilfields; sabotage major construction sites.  There are many viable actions that will capture people’s attention and significantly help the environment.

Of course, this won’t work either.  Anything you destroy will only be rebuilt stronger and with better security.  Soon you’ll realize the awful truth: to support our massive societies, humanity relies on technologies and industries that pollute the environment.  We can’t live without them.

Sadly, only one option remains: kill off the bulk of humanity.  With a smaller population, humans could live more in accord with nature. So break into a research lab, steal samples of the most vile-sounding diseases available, and unleash them on the world.  There’s a substantial chance that you’ll be among the first victims.  But if you’re truly dedicated, martyrdom is a small price to pay for saving the world.  Congratulations!

On second thought, instead of taking this destructive route, you could redirect your passion toward creating new technologies that would allow all of humanity to live comfortably without such a detrimental environmental impact.  Actually, that sounds like a much better idea.  Forget everything else I said – do that instead.

Peace, Love, and A Happy Planet,

Ely North