I hate my bitch twin sister. She’s better than me in virtually every way: she’s the first-born; she’s the favorite; she’s super-successful; and she’s taller, more athletic, better looking, and smarter than me. And, worst of all, she treats me like garbage. She’s by far the meanest person I’ve ever met. In all our lives I’ve never felt even a hint of sisterly love from her.
Every person we know (including my parents) likes her better. They always have, ever since we were kids. I thought things would change when we grew up, but they haven’t. I continue to be the loser twin, the butt of everyone’s jokes. I’m sick of it. How can I get out of my sister’s shadow?
Winnie the Whiny Twin
Dear Winnie the Whiny Twin,
Your family sucks. Shame on your parents for so obviously favoring your sister. And screw your sister! She sounds like a total bitch (and probably a whore, too.) You’ll never be happy as long as everyone compares you to your incomparable sister. First get free from your family’s preconceptions of you, then get revenge on the sibling that ruined your life.
There’s only one way to be completely free from your family: fake your own death. Engineer a dramatic phony suicide in which nobody would expect to find any remains of your body. I suggest blowing up your entire house and (presumably) vaporizing your body. In your suicide note, blame your death entirely on your sister. Try to make her feel guilty about all the pain she’s caused you throughout your life.
Now that you’re “dead,” it’s time to start a new life! You’ll need to assume a new identity and get some forged documents in your new name. Find a shady “document expert” to make you a driver’s license, social security card, etc. Move to a town not too far away from where your family lives. You want to be far enough away that you won’t run into people you know, but close enough that you can go back to visit your sister easily.
Why on earth would you want to go back to visit the sister who treated you so badly? Revenge! When she thinks you’re dead, going to see her doesn’t qualify as a sisterly visit. It’s a haunting!
In the middle of the night, quietly break into your sister’s house. Sneak into her room and wake her up with weird ghostly noises. Tell her it was her fault that you killed yourself. Remind her of all the terrible things she did to you during your tragically short life. Really try to freak her out. If she starts screaming loud enough to wake the neighbors, or if she calls the police, leave immediately. Never let anyone else see you haunting your sister.
Continue with your visits as often as you are able. If your sister ever apologizes for her actions, if she ever admits any guilt or shows any signs of remorse, then your mission is accomplished. You can stop your haunting – you win. Your sister finally realizes what a rotten bitch she’s been throughout her life. Perhaps she’ll change her ways, perhaps she won’t. That shouldn’t be any of your concern. You can move on, always knowing that you finally got the better of your sister. Enjoy your new life!
Peace, Love, and Winning the Sibling Rivalry,