Inappropriate stress relief techniques

Dear Ely,

Have you ever seen a balloon being inflated, and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger, and stretching out and expanding, and you think it can’t possibly get any bigger, but it does, and then suddenly BOOM! it frickin’ explodes?  Well that’s how my frickin’ head feels right now because of all the frickin’ stress I’m under.  I work hard all day in a chaotic, pressure-filled office, then my tension mounts as I fight traffic to come home to an abusive wife who constantly yells at me and orders me around.  I never have a moment of peace.  Even in my dreams I’m falling off buildings or being chased by tigers or some other ridiculous tragedy is befalling me.  I feel like my mind and body cannot contain the pressure much longer, and I’m going to burst.  Can you recommend any stress relief techniques?

Sincerely,

Stressed Chester

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Dear Stressed Chester,

An overly stressed life has been the ruin of many a great man, from Charlemagne to Charles Manson to Charlie Sheen.  I’m glad you’re getting advice now before you suffer a similar fate.  I have two stress relief strategies for you, depending on your personality.  To start, ask yourself a simple question: are you a lover or a fighter?

Lover

If you’re a lover, then your best stress relief strategy is to make love to something.  Let me reword that: bang something.  “Make love” sounds too soft and romantic – you need to have hot, sweaty, animalistic sex with a partner you just want to rip apart.  If your wife doesn’t meet this requirement, look elsewhere.  Coworkers, strangers on the street, and prostitutes are all viable options.  If you can’t find a suitable person, look for an animal.  (I usually don’t endorse bestiality, but a cornered animal is a ferociously fantastic lay!)  Whoever (or whatever) you choose as your partner, work out your stress with some nutty, nasty sex.

Fighter

If you’re a fighter, then relieve your stress by destroying something.  It could be anything.  Hurl a microwave oven down a stairwell; put on a football helmet and tackle an oak tree; repeatedly jump-kick your front door until it splinters at the hinges; take a baseball bat to a watermelon or a pumpkin (depending on the season); punt a midget into a public restroom mirror; or punch yourself repeatedly in your own head.  Whatever direction your destructive tendencies take, you’ll notice the stress flow away through your violent, aggressive behavior.

Of course, there is a third option, reserved for those somewhat schizophrenic souls among us who consider themselves to be both lovers and fighters.  If this describes you, then simply combine the two strategies mentioned above.  Have sex with someone, and then beat the hell out of her.  (If you’re going to do this, you should opt to have sex with a stranger – someone who can’t identify you afterwards.)  Or, you could shoot an animal and then, before it dies, rape it in the bullet hole.  Any combination of sex and violence will work; these are just two suggestions.

Use these stress relief strategies as often as you need to.  Not only is letting your stress out through loving and/or fighting extremely fun, but it also makes you feel great.  Soon you may find yourself doing these things even if you aren’t stressed.  Just be careful you don’t get caught doing something illegal – that will only lead to more stress!

Peace, Love, and A Stress-Free Life,

Ely North