Unwanted Houseguest? Hire a Hooker!

A prostitute pretending to be an obsessive girlfriend will drive any unwanted houseguest out of your home

Messy Unwanted Houseguest

My unwanted houseguest is a slob!
By Marshall Vandegrift (llasram) (Flickr) [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Ely:  My unwanted houseguest is practically begging me to boot his ass out the door.  Three weeks ago my husband’s friend came for a weekend visit, but he never left.  I want him out.  He’s a total slob – he leaves his dirty clothes all over the floor and his food scraps all over the kitchen.  He eats our food and never offers to pay for anything.  He never volunteers to cook or clean or do anything helpful.  He just sits around the house all day, drinking and smoking, playing video games, and listening to loud music.  My husband is also fed up, but he’s too nice to kick him out.  I keep dropping hints that he should leave, but he seems too dense to understand.  How can I get rid of my good-for-nothing guest?

Sincerely,

Not an Innkeeper

******

Dear Not an Innkeeper,

An unwanted houseguest overstaying his welcome is a delicate situation.  He’s a friend, but he’s blatantly taking advantage of your hospitable nature.  Directly confronting him seems like the mature path to take, but this could turn volatile or lead to a strained relationship between your husband and his friend.  No, I believe the best way to handle this situation is through a subtle manipulation of your guest’s psyche.  You need to make him want to leave your house.

The solution here, like the solution to so many of life’s problems, is to hire a hooker.  Find an attractive prostitute who is receptive to taking a long-term job – it may take a week or two for the entire scenario to play out.  Arrange for her to meet your guest as if by accident, at which time she will come on to him and seduce him into spending the night with her.

After that first night together, the whore’s duty is to become the psychotically clingy, obsessive, needy nightmare of a woman that every man fears.  She calls and texts him non-stop.  She shows up at your house unannounced to spend time with him.  When he pushes her away, she jacks up the intensity.  She constantly pesters him to meet her family.  She starts talking about marriage and names for their children.  She hints that a murder-suicide will be the consequence if he leaves her.

Crazy Girlfriend

“If you try to leave me, I’ll lock you in a meat freezer and stick pointy icicles up your ass.”
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A woman who is this intensely obsessive just a few days into a relationship is sure to send any man running.  And that is exactly what your unwanted houseguest will do.  Before long he will pack up his stuff and go, frantic to free himself from that crazy she-devil you introduced into his life.

Everybody wins.  You and your husband get your house back.  Your husband and your guest remain friends, safely avoiding that awkward “get out of my house” conversation.  Your guest is forced to take care of himself again, which will help him grow as a human being.  And the happy hooker will get a decent amount of pay for some pretty easy work.  Maybe playing the role of the crazy girlfriend will even inspire her to pursue an acting career.  Look at all the good you’ve done!

Peace, Love, and Guests Be Gone,

Ely North

PS. If you have any unwanted houseguest advice for Not an Innkeeper, leave a reply below!

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