Harsh but appropriate advice to a man who claims he’s not a pervert child molester (but who probably really is)
Dear Ely: People are constantly mistaking me for a child molester. I don’t get it. I do love kids, but only because I miss childhood. I still play with toys and watch cartoons like any other child. I like to hang out at parks, playgrounds, toy stores – just about anywhere children gather, I’ll be there. I’ll often make comments to parents about how beautiful their children are, and I always have candy on hand for the little darlings. Usually, the parents will look at me suspiciously or scuttle their children away in disgust. But why? I swear I’m not a pervert! I just love the natural joy and enthusiasm of children. How can I be around kids without being a suspected pederast?
Herbert Not A Pervert
Dear Herbert Not A Pervert,
Pretty much everything about you screams “I rape children!” I bet you even drive a beat-up old van with no windows in the back. Creepy. No wonder parents are wary of you. While it’s very possible that you truly are a young-at-heart kind-souled man-child who would never hurt anyone, you need to realize that many people judge others by appearance. And you give every appearance of being a child molester.
I have several suggestions, depending on your level of creepiness:
Level 1: Weird but non-threatening. To be able to simply spend some innocent time with children, you have to appear respectable. Maybe if you get a job where you’re involved with kids, you can soak up all their “natural joy and enthusiasm” without arousing suspicion. Here are some possible things you can do: coach a youth sports team or train to be a referee/umpire; become a clown that works children’s birthday parties; spend your summers as a camp counselor; or, if you’re religious, you can be a Sunday School teacher. People in these positions are never child molesters and are always totally trustworthy.
Level 2: Disturbing yearnings. If you feel the urge to possess children and force them to “play” with you, then kidnap a child and hold him prisoner in your basement. When looking for a child to snatch, travel far from your home – you don’t want the kid to identify you or the location of your house. Put him in a bag in your trunk so he won’t know where you’re taking him. Hold him for a few weeks and do whatever weird things you want to do with him, then put him back in your trunk and return him unharmed to the town where you found him. Repeat this tactic until you get caught. Then you’ll be thrown in prison and know what it’s like to have grown men “play” with you.
Level 3: Full-fledged pedophile. If, deep down, despite all your protestations, your true desire is to have sexual relations with children, then you should do the world a favor and kill yourself. Do it right now. Don’t even read another sentence. Many people might argue that suicide is wrong, and in many cases I’d agree. But in this instance, I think we can all agree that the world would be better off without a creepy weirdo pervert child molester like you. Goodbye.
Peace, Love, and Loving Children Without LOVING Children,
PS. If you have any child molester advice for Herbert Not A Pervert, leave a reply below!